so far away

You say things like run away with me

and I don't think you know how much I really want to.

Or maybe it's the other way around.

And I really want you.

And I can't have you.

Because we are opposite fucking sides of the United States of fucking America and I can't handle not having you so I might go and cry.

I don't know what it is that we have.

(i.want.to.be.your.girlfriend.and.i.want.you.to.be.mine)

but I like it.

And I really need to tell someone how mad I'm going over this amazing girl I have this crush on

but my mom's out of town and how the fuck do I tell her that anyway?

I don't know what to do but go to bed and try not to think of you and fail and cry and try and sleep and fail and cry some more.

hey me

i wish i could tell people how i feel instead of shirking around the subject or just thinking of great things to say

so

i think i like you too much

and i want you to like me back

and i can't say that

so i end up listening to so far away on repeat

i don't think you read my blog

So I can tell you what I wanna tell you and it won't be awkward and it is though just me typing this here and ARGHHH i dunno how to say this but cila calls it a girlcrush and it's...sort of that, in the weirdest sense, I like to call it a friendcrush in that I WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH YOU SO HARD BUT we're so AWKWARD BABY and I want to NOT BE but it's HARD and I dunno but YOU but a smile to my face so easily and that sounded a BIT GAY but then when I was crying you made me laugh and made me so much happier with just a few words and you make me laugh in ALL THE TIME and it fucking sucks you're in Virginia and I'm in Washington because I wanna hang out with you and watch movies and go to Goodwill and look for weird things and watch NEWSIES together this si just so so soo grarrr. It's stupid really. I wish I could be less awkward and weird when we say goodniight and I wish you...ffff I just wanna flail at the computer because grarrr this is stupid, my awkward flailing and how I'm posting this here because I don't think you read this and if you do read this then this awkward and if you do then don't tell me cos the AWKWARD, HAIL, but just know ILU even though we've never met and have only known each other for a few weeks really, but you sent me an awesome card and I wanna knit you a bunch of stuff but it would be weird? I don'tknow about anything but I like you and stuff so there's that. I just want to be friends with you no matter if there's a them or Chatzy or LHS or RP you know? but i dunno if you feel the same way : / gawddddd if you read this.....i'm sorry. and i really do. like you. i'll.....go finish that reply. :/

also, listening to Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs. This album makes my life.

sad

I think I, I have this, like, I’m a sort of person who will get unbearably sad if I don’t fight it off. And, and, so. Nothing’s worked today, and I just feel sad. And you know nothing’s gonna help for a while. I’m, just, uhm. God. Heart feels heavy sadness.

thank you facebook

For one of, literally, the most awkward things that has ever happened to me on the internet.
Really.
This...this may have traumatized me a little if, uhm, I wasn't so amused by it. GOD OKAY, does anyone want to hear about this REALLY REALLY AWKWARD SHIT?

Here, okay. So I have two brothers. One is 20 and in the Navy. The other's 17 and a junior in high school and he's a junior in high school, where I'm 18 and a senior and we're close, pretty good for brother and sister, like, so okay. He's in JROTC and he's joining the Army next year, my little brother. Exposition: it needed to be done. And my older brother's was just in Bahrain, he'd been there for a year, he was home about a year ago, so, okay.

I'm friends with a LOT of people I barely know on Facebook, that is, I think, one of the main uses of Facebook. A lot of my brothers' friends are mine on there too, because, like, they want the whole set I guess. So this one girl- let's call her S- I've talked to her like once IRL, we're in the same choir class, and she's a soprano and I'm an alto so, yeah. And anyway, she starts talking to me on FB today, she says -
S
hello

And I'm all, woah random chick. Er okay.

Me
hi
S
so i saw b. at the high school today for rotc

So I'm turning all names into letters because, you know. Internets be dangerous, yo. Haha. B. is my younger brother, the 17 year old. I guess he was out helping with something ROTC-ish today. And so now I'm afraid this girl has like a crush on mah baby brudah or the like. But, oh. No. Oh, it's worse. Just stick with me.

Me
yeah?
you're in rotc too right?

I literally have no idea what to say to her so I say what I already know.
S
yeah
my cusin thinks hes cute

Oh dear God. REALLY. Okay, well. My little brother has a sort of cute thing going for him, he has a babyface sort of thing. But, uhm. Sister. I'm his sister. So I just laugh it off..

Me
haha
S
i was like what! and then i was like nooooooo way
Me
lol that's funny

No, it's not funny at all, actually. But again. WHAT DO I SAY. And I cut out the times of this conversation, because there's like a few minute gap between everything I say in reply because I was also talking to a friend over Skype and telling her about how weird this is.

S
i know but i told her that K. u guys older brother was hot
Me
XD

(K. is my older brother, the one currently in the Navy who also has a girlfriend)
OH GOD WHAT. OKAY. YEAH. THANKS. My older brother. HOT. So I just said 'XD" because EMOTES ARE SAVIORS but I felt compelled to say SOMETHING BECAUSE GODDAMNIT I AM RETARDED. Also- WTF. 'u guys older brother' WOAH MAN. I HAVE AN OLDER BROTHER WHAT. Psshh.

Me
i dunno, i can't really say if my brothers are hot or not, i'll take your word for it lol
S
haha well i have both of them as friends for facebook and i think K is way above hot lol
S
thats what im saying i dont know about u
Me
lol

I KEEP SAYING LOL BECAUSE I WANT THIS TO BE OVER. WHY GOD WHY. PLEASE STOP. I wanted to say, PLEASE STOP, and my Skype buddy was like, YOU NEED TO SAY THAT. At this point I was lol'ing SO HARD and it was so uncomfortable and awkward and I dunno why I kept on talking, but I was vaguely interested because, uh, I'm bored easy. So I continued with this..

k's got the navy uniform too lol

I should note he does look rather handsome in it, too, and my heart swells with pride when I see him with it because even though I don't agree with this military shit, I'm proud of him. Also don't girls have things for men in uniforms? I don't. Because then I think about my brother and HE IS MY BROTHER so it's not hot at ALL.

S
i know he looks good in it
i know this cuz he came to my class this year when he came home
Me
oh yeah
that was like a year go he was home i think

Okay, uhm. Yeah. That was a year ago, almost to the date actually. He was home for about two weeks. And uh, god, this is where I'm like, shit this girl has the hots for my brother dear god. BE LESS OBVIOUS, WHORE.

S.
yessssssssss he is sexy
idk all i know was the last time he was here
Me
yeah

...SEXY. WHY GOD WHY. WHY DID I KEEP TALKING. IS IT SOMETHING I DID. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME. I DO NOT NEED JUNIOR GIRLS TELLING ME HOW HOT MY FUCKING BROTHER IS.

S
yep
Me
lol i dunno if he's sexy or not, he's my brother ahaha
Sasha
haha i know that im just saying he is cuz he is

REALLY REALLY REALLY. THANKS. FOR THIS VALUABLE BIT OF INFORMATION. At this point I'm hurting from the laughing and the general awkwardness, positive it cannot get ANY WORSE at ALL. So, what I say next needs a bit of explanation, because it's sort of joke amongst family and friends: my brother has a large head. As in, his cranium, it is big. Literally. (and figuratively, too, his ego's pretty big, lol) and when I talk to girls like this, who know my brother, they say this: his head is big ahah. And so, I said this next thing, just kidding around (I should have added a lol) Also at this point my Skype friend is like, You need to stop this and tell her this is weird okay? and I'm like, that would be awkward too. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO HER.

Me
his head is big though
Sasha
lol ha i know but i hope something else is bigger

...
.....
........
WHAT.
BITCH.
SISTER.
I'M. HIS. LITTLE. SISTER. LIKE. OH. JAYSUS. OH GOOD GOD. NONONONONONONONOOO. WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CHICK'S PROBLEM. SERIOUSLY. THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO INTERPRET THIS STATEMENT: YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT MY OLDER BROTHER'S DICK. WTF WTF WTF. I'M. HIS. SISTER. DOES...DOES SHE REALIZE THIS?!? WE HAVE THE SAME LAST NAMES AND SHE REFERRED TO HIM AS MY BROTHER SO SHE MUST KNOW.MYBROTHER'SDICK IS LITERALLY THE LAST THING IN THE WORLD I WANT TO TALK ABOUT. OR HEAR ABOUT. OR REALLY, ANY REFERENCES TO IT, YOU CAN KEEP TO YOURSELF, HONESTLY, I HAVE GOTTEN THIS FAR IN MY LIFE WITHOUT ANYONE MAKING A HOPEFUL REFERENCE TO MY BROTHER'S DICK AND I AM PERFECTLY FINE. AND NOW I HAVE AND I AM NOT. BECAUSE HE IS MY BROTHER, YOU STUPID WHORE AND, SHIT, SHIT. THERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU JUST DO NOT SAY OUT LOUD. OR TYPE ON FB. FUUUUUUCK.
Emotions at that point: HORRIFIED. EMBARRASSED. FUCKIN' AMUSED. UNCOMFORTABLE. Skype friend: YOU NEED TO TELL HER TO STOP, IS SHE DRUNK OR HIGH. So I try.

Me
lol awkward man i'm his sister y;know
this whole conversation is mildly uncomfortable for me haha

AND BY MILDLY UNCOMFORTABLE I MEAN: EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE SWEET LORD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.

S
lol sorry and lets talk about something else
Me
lol

LOL. Because I HAVE NO OTHER WORDS except DUMB BITCH and WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM. Which in retrospect I should have totally fucking said but I am a wimp and I FAIL.
So like 5 minutes later, where I say nothing and she doesn't either, BECAUSE WHAT THE HELL ELSE ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT. MY OTHER BROTHER'S DICK? WTFFFFF.

S
haha ok gtg so ttyl k
Me
byee
S
peace

PEACE? NO, THANK YOU. I LOST THAT WHEN YOU SAID YOU HOPED MY BROTHER HAD A BIG DICK. OH GOD. I HURT TYPING THAT BUT IT'S TRUE, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID TO ME, AND IT'S TERRIFYING AND I CAN NEVER LOOK OVER AT THE SOPRANO SECTION OF CHOIR AGAIN AND NOT THINK ABOUT THIS AND IT'S SOOO WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS. IT IS MY GODDAMN BROTHER AND I AM TRAUMATIZED AND HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT.

In other non-traumatizing news, today I got 5 cassette tapes (Van Halen, Aerosmith, KISS, and the BEATLES- Abbey Road YAY.) and a Led Zeppelin t-shirt at Goodwill today AND I signed up for a race tomorrow. :D 2.9 miles at 10 in the morning. Why am I smiling at that. D: Haha.

unhealthy obsession with rock stars

Or, well, I don't think it's unhealthy so much, but it does really hurt because all of these bands and groups and rock stars I love- they're dead or 40 years old or have sad stories and I was born into the wrong generation and I really need to stop falling in love with long-dead rock stars like Keith Moon.

What I need to do is find a rock star of my own.

Sigh.

not trying to be offensive

Today I woke up and woo Easter (mom made me pick stuff out at the store for Easter treats) and Mom was all, "We're going to church, tonight" and we laughed. (me and blake.) and then I started asking questions, just joking around like.

"Will they let me inside if I believe in evolution."

"How about the Big Bang Theory."
"Who was this Jesus character anyway."

"There'll be wine, right?"
"WHO MADE GOD."

"Question: can I knit during church?"

Anyway NO i cannot knit during church which is stupid, I don't like sitting and doing NOTHING. Drives me mad not to be doing anything, if I'm just sitting there, y'know.

I should take a shower.