The Clarkston Courier, aka my secret shame what made me sort of famous and widely known and also pissed some folk off.

Holy shit. I can't find them. I wrote like 15 of these. They're on the computer somewhere but the 'search' function isn't working WTF. But I did find this satire piece I wrote back in December for English, in the vein of my CC work, and it's quite hilarious. Tell me what you think:

Alyssa Allen

Batterton

Satire

8 December 2008

House, Senate to Moonlight for Bailout

With the economy in recession and Congress bailing out major corporations willy-nilly as if willy-nillyness were written into the Constitution itself or at least an Amendment, Americans have to wonder: Who’s paying for all this, Congress? Because we sure ain’t. Come on, Congress. We just bought a new plasma TV and we’d totally rather have the television instead of, you know, paying for those rich son of a guns so they can buy yachts and privates planes and, I don’t know, Olympic-sized swimming pools full of pudding. Heck, why do rich guys need so much pudding?

Today it was announced that many drastic measures would be taken in the Less Money, Mo’ Problems Act. In this Act of Congress, a variety of steps would be taken to alleviate the taxing of Americans. Critics and pundits are skeptical, saying, “What, is this a joke? A government paying attention to and caring about its citizens? Inconceivable.” The major part of this act is clearly to somehow raise more money for this bailout. Consequently, it is now forcing House and Senate, Governors and Senators alike, to take second jobs so as to add to the money needed for the bailout.

Senator Chris Dodd of Connecticut has taken the first step and set up a lemonade stand in his hometown of Willimantic, Connecticut. “It’s going pretty well, I guess.” Senator Dodd says, and sighing, he adds, “The only problem I have is I can’t get the lemon-to-sugar ratio quite right. This is so much harder then Senator stuff!” Dodd huffs tiredly as he squeezes lemons into juice. Despite his best efforts, profits are declining steadily. He blames the competition down the street. “Girl Scouts!” He growls, his face red and glistening with sweat. “ That’s what’s wrong with the economy, I tell you…Girl Scouts and their stupid delicious lemonade…secret ingredients, they say…bah! What do they know? I was elected, I’m the longest serving U.S. Senator… in Connecticut history!”

Other government officials have tried to get jobs. “You won’t believe it!” exclaims former Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin. “I applied for a job at Starbucks, those Marxist-loving elitists, and they wouldn’t hire me! Oh, boy, I told them, if I can hunt wolves from a helicopter with high-powered rifles then I sure can make a double Frappo mocha coffee something, you betcha.” Governor Palin has, since then, been hired by a turkey slaughterhouse in Alaska. “The Christmas spirit, there, it’s really evident, ‘cuz the turkey is, y’know, the patron saint of Christmas.” She says.

President Elect Barack Obama has been doing his part, too. “John McCain and I have started our own lawn-mowing business.” He remarks proudly. “I think this act is a very good idea, and for me and John, it’s a way for us to share ideas and discuss the economy while helping.” John McCain says of their partnership, “Oh, yeah, it’s great but did you know they have motorized lawn mowing devices? With engines and everything. Like them horseless carriages that are all the rage with the younguns.” The business, called, Mcbama’s Lawn Mowing Service, is doing quite well with both Republicans and Democrats.

Even President George W. Bush has decided to help out. “We’re having a yard sale.” he announced. “Yep, me and Laura, we’re going to sell some of the White House stuff for the economitics problems.” Some of the items to be sold are: John F. Kennedy’s comic book collection, Richard Nixon’s tape recorder, one of Gerald Ford’s many Ace bandages, a can of Jimmy Carter peanut butter, and many of George W. Bush’s Texas Rangers merchandise that nobody wants. Bush says that he expects the yard sale will go quite well. “Well, people seem to be thinkin’ this whole recession is kinda my fault, so I thought I better help out. Then again, it’s not like I really need to try anymore, is it? Heh, heh.” Bush adds that Vice President Cheney might even donate some items for the yard sale, but Dick Cheney could not be reached for comment, due to fact he has taken Joe Biden on a hunting trip for a few days.

With this new act in place, Americans can be assured that, for once, their government is, at least, trying to help them. By bailing out those companies, the government is in need of funds they don’t have, so by getting these jobs they are funding the bailout that was all their fault in the first place.

eta: I fucking hate Times New Roman but I am very lazy. As mentioned. I really want to find those Courier docs...