so far away

You say things like run away with me

and I don't think you know how much I really want to.

Or maybe it's the other way around.

And I really want you.

And I can't have you.

Because we are opposite fucking sides of the United States of fucking America and I can't handle not having you so I might go and cry.

I don't know what it is that we have.

(i.want.to.be.your.girlfriend.and.i.want.you.to.be.mine)

but I like it.

And I really need to tell someone how mad I'm going over this amazing girl I have this crush on

but my mom's out of town and how the fuck do I tell her that anyway?

I don't know what to do but go to bed and try not to think of you and fail and cry and try and sleep and fail and cry some more.

hey me

i wish i could tell people how i feel instead of shirking around the subject or just thinking of great things to say

so

i think i like you too much

and i want you to like me back

and i can't say that

so i end up listening to so far away on repeat

i don't think you read my blog

So I can tell you what I wanna tell you and it won't be awkward and it is though just me typing this here and ARGHHH i dunno how to say this but cila calls it a girlcrush and it's...sort of that, in the weirdest sense, I like to call it a friendcrush in that I WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH YOU SO HARD BUT we're so AWKWARD BABY and I want to NOT BE but it's HARD and I dunno but YOU but a smile to my face so easily and that sounded a BIT GAY but then when I was crying you made me laugh and made me so much happier with just a few words and you make me laugh in ALL THE TIME and it fucking sucks you're in Virginia and I'm in Washington because I wanna hang out with you and watch movies and go to Goodwill and look for weird things and watch NEWSIES together this si just so so soo grarrr. It's stupid really. I wish I could be less awkward and weird when we say goodniight and I wish you...ffff I just wanna flail at the computer because grarrr this is stupid, my awkward flailing and how I'm posting this here because I don't think you read this and if you do read this then this awkward and if you do then don't tell me cos the AWKWARD, HAIL, but just know ILU even though we've never met and have only known each other for a few weeks really, but you sent me an awesome card and I wanna knit you a bunch of stuff but it would be weird? I don'tknow about anything but I like you and stuff so there's that. I just want to be friends with you no matter if there's a them or Chatzy or LHS or RP you know? but i dunno if you feel the same way : / gawddddd if you read this.....i'm sorry. and i really do. like you. i'll.....go finish that reply. :/

also, listening to Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs. This album makes my life.

sad

I think I, I have this, like, I’m a sort of person who will get unbearably sad if I don’t fight it off. And, and, so. Nothing’s worked today, and I just feel sad. And you know nothing’s gonna help for a while. I’m, just, uhm. God. Heart feels heavy sadness.

thank you facebook

For one of, literally, the most awkward things that has ever happened to me on the internet.
Really.
This...this may have traumatized me a little if, uhm, I wasn't so amused by it. GOD OKAY, does anyone want to hear about this REALLY REALLY AWKWARD SHIT?

Here, okay. So I have two brothers. One is 20 and in the Navy. The other's 17 and a junior in high school and he's a junior in high school, where I'm 18 and a senior and we're close, pretty good for brother and sister, like, so okay. He's in JROTC and he's joining the Army next year, my little brother. Exposition: it needed to be done. And my older brother's was just in Bahrain, he'd been there for a year, he was home about a year ago, so, okay.

I'm friends with a LOT of people I barely know on Facebook, that is, I think, one of the main uses of Facebook. A lot of my brothers' friends are mine on there too, because, like, they want the whole set I guess. So this one girl- let's call her S- I've talked to her like once IRL, we're in the same choir class, and she's a soprano and I'm an alto so, yeah. And anyway, she starts talking to me on FB today, she says -
S
hello

And I'm all, woah random chick. Er okay.

Me
hi
S
so i saw b. at the high school today for rotc

So I'm turning all names into letters because, you know. Internets be dangerous, yo. Haha. B. is my younger brother, the 17 year old. I guess he was out helping with something ROTC-ish today. And so now I'm afraid this girl has like a crush on mah baby brudah or the like. But, oh. No. Oh, it's worse. Just stick with me.

Me
yeah?
you're in rotc too right?

I literally have no idea what to say to her so I say what I already know.
S
yeah
my cusin thinks hes cute

Oh dear God. REALLY. Okay, well. My little brother has a sort of cute thing going for him, he has a babyface sort of thing. But, uhm. Sister. I'm his sister. So I just laugh it off..

Me
haha
S
i was like what! and then i was like nooooooo way
Me
lol that's funny

No, it's not funny at all, actually. But again. WHAT DO I SAY. And I cut out the times of this conversation, because there's like a few minute gap between everything I say in reply because I was also talking to a friend over Skype and telling her about how weird this is.

S
i know but i told her that K. u guys older brother was hot
Me
XD

(K. is my older brother, the one currently in the Navy who also has a girlfriend)
OH GOD WHAT. OKAY. YEAH. THANKS. My older brother. HOT. So I just said 'XD" because EMOTES ARE SAVIORS but I felt compelled to say SOMETHING BECAUSE GODDAMNIT I AM RETARDED. Also- WTF. 'u guys older brother' WOAH MAN. I HAVE AN OLDER BROTHER WHAT. Psshh.

Me
i dunno, i can't really say if my brothers are hot or not, i'll take your word for it lol
S
haha well i have both of them as friends for facebook and i think K is way above hot lol
S
thats what im saying i dont know about u
Me
lol

I KEEP SAYING LOL BECAUSE I WANT THIS TO BE OVER. WHY GOD WHY. PLEASE STOP. I wanted to say, PLEASE STOP, and my Skype buddy was like, YOU NEED TO SAY THAT. At this point I was lol'ing SO HARD and it was so uncomfortable and awkward and I dunno why I kept on talking, but I was vaguely interested because, uh, I'm bored easy. So I continued with this..

k's got the navy uniform too lol

I should note he does look rather handsome in it, too, and my heart swells with pride when I see him with it because even though I don't agree with this military shit, I'm proud of him. Also don't girls have things for men in uniforms? I don't. Because then I think about my brother and HE IS MY BROTHER so it's not hot at ALL.

S
i know he looks good in it
i know this cuz he came to my class this year when he came home
Me
oh yeah
that was like a year go he was home i think

Okay, uhm. Yeah. That was a year ago, almost to the date actually. He was home for about two weeks. And uh, god, this is where I'm like, shit this girl has the hots for my brother dear god. BE LESS OBVIOUS, WHORE.

S.
yessssssssss he is sexy
idk all i know was the last time he was here
Me
yeah

...SEXY. WHY GOD WHY. WHY DID I KEEP TALKING. IS IT SOMETHING I DID. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME. I DO NOT NEED JUNIOR GIRLS TELLING ME HOW HOT MY FUCKING BROTHER IS.

S
yep
Me
lol i dunno if he's sexy or not, he's my brother ahaha
Sasha
haha i know that im just saying he is cuz he is

REALLY REALLY REALLY. THANKS. FOR THIS VALUABLE BIT OF INFORMATION. At this point I'm hurting from the laughing and the general awkwardness, positive it cannot get ANY WORSE at ALL. So, what I say next needs a bit of explanation, because it's sort of joke amongst family and friends: my brother has a large head. As in, his cranium, it is big. Literally. (and figuratively, too, his ego's pretty big, lol) and when I talk to girls like this, who know my brother, they say this: his head is big ahah. And so, I said this next thing, just kidding around (I should have added a lol) Also at this point my Skype friend is like, You need to stop this and tell her this is weird okay? and I'm like, that would be awkward too. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO HER.

Me
his head is big though
Sasha
lol ha i know but i hope something else is bigger

...
.....
........
WHAT.
BITCH.
SISTER.
I'M. HIS. LITTLE. SISTER. LIKE. OH. JAYSUS. OH GOOD GOD. NONONONONONONONOOO. WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CHICK'S PROBLEM. SERIOUSLY. THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO INTERPRET THIS STATEMENT: YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT MY OLDER BROTHER'S DICK. WTF WTF WTF. I'M. HIS. SISTER. DOES...DOES SHE REALIZE THIS?!? WE HAVE THE SAME LAST NAMES AND SHE REFERRED TO HIM AS MY BROTHER SO SHE MUST KNOW.MYBROTHER'SDICK IS LITERALLY THE LAST THING IN THE WORLD I WANT TO TALK ABOUT. OR HEAR ABOUT. OR REALLY, ANY REFERENCES TO IT, YOU CAN KEEP TO YOURSELF, HONESTLY, I HAVE GOTTEN THIS FAR IN MY LIFE WITHOUT ANYONE MAKING A HOPEFUL REFERENCE TO MY BROTHER'S DICK AND I AM PERFECTLY FINE. AND NOW I HAVE AND I AM NOT. BECAUSE HE IS MY BROTHER, YOU STUPID WHORE AND, SHIT, SHIT. THERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU JUST DO NOT SAY OUT LOUD. OR TYPE ON FB. FUUUUUUCK.
Emotions at that point: HORRIFIED. EMBARRASSED. FUCKIN' AMUSED. UNCOMFORTABLE. Skype friend: YOU NEED TO TELL HER TO STOP, IS SHE DRUNK OR HIGH. So I try.

Me
lol awkward man i'm his sister y;know
this whole conversation is mildly uncomfortable for me haha

AND BY MILDLY UNCOMFORTABLE I MEAN: EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE SWEET LORD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.

S
lol sorry and lets talk about something else
Me
lol

LOL. Because I HAVE NO OTHER WORDS except DUMB BITCH and WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM. Which in retrospect I should have totally fucking said but I am a wimp and I FAIL.
So like 5 minutes later, where I say nothing and she doesn't either, BECAUSE WHAT THE HELL ELSE ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT. MY OTHER BROTHER'S DICK? WTFFFFF.

S
haha ok gtg so ttyl k
Me
byee
S
peace

PEACE? NO, THANK YOU. I LOST THAT WHEN YOU SAID YOU HOPED MY BROTHER HAD A BIG DICK. OH GOD. I HURT TYPING THAT BUT IT'S TRUE, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID TO ME, AND IT'S TERRIFYING AND I CAN NEVER LOOK OVER AT THE SOPRANO SECTION OF CHOIR AGAIN AND NOT THINK ABOUT THIS AND IT'S SOOO WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS. IT IS MY GODDAMN BROTHER AND I AM TRAUMATIZED AND HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT.

In other non-traumatizing news, today I got 5 cassette tapes (Van Halen, Aerosmith, KISS, and the BEATLES- Abbey Road YAY.) and a Led Zeppelin t-shirt at Goodwill today AND I signed up for a race tomorrow. :D 2.9 miles at 10 in the morning. Why am I smiling at that. D: Haha.

unhealthy obsession with rock stars

Or, well, I don't think it's unhealthy so much, but it does really hurt because all of these bands and groups and rock stars I love- they're dead or 40 years old or have sad stories and I was born into the wrong generation and I really need to stop falling in love with long-dead rock stars like Keith Moon.

What I need to do is find a rock star of my own.

Sigh.

not trying to be offensive

Today I woke up and woo Easter (mom made me pick stuff out at the store for Easter treats) and Mom was all, "We're going to church, tonight" and we laughed. (me and blake.) and then I started asking questions, just joking around like.

"Will they let me inside if I believe in evolution."

"How about the Big Bang Theory."
"Who was this Jesus character anyway."

"There'll be wine, right?"
"WHO MADE GOD."

"Question: can I knit during church?"

Anyway NO i cannot knit during church which is stupid, I don't like sitting and doing NOTHING. Drives me mad not to be doing anything, if I'm just sitting there, y'know.

I should take a shower.

woo

But that is off topic. I AM GETTING JOHN LENNON GLASSES. EFF YES.

Because I got my prescription from the eye doctor folks and my brother got his from his eye doctor and my mom was all, meh I'll use AJ's prescription so then we ordered glasses online which was all sorts of hella cheaper and I wanted these Lennon glasses that were a bit more expensive then others- well, 15, but my brother's were only 10 and so my mom was all, FINE GET THE LENNON GLASSES so YAY I AM GETTING DAMN JOHN LENNON GLASSES. I cannot wait.

Imma ramble for a while now.

And I got a haircut today- my bangs are like, that sort of choppy look, y'know. Sort of, uhm, Pattie Boyd bangs? http://idynamo.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/esher1.jpg But not as long hair, ha. And then I was looking at Jo-Ann's while mom was getting her hair highlighted and I was all, I WANNA SEW AN APRON (because I need a damn apron and do you know where you can buy aprons? NOWHERE. HONESTLY. HNFF.) and I sorta need an apron because I bake and get covered in flour all the time but mom was all, clean yer room and I'll buy yer fabric. So I cleaned my room and sang along with the radio. DARRRLIIING YOU LOOOK WOONDERRRFUUULLL TOOONIIIIIGHT (DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE. PATTIE BOYD. WONDERFUL TONIGHT. GEDDIT.) and now my room is clean and Imma get fabric tomorrow! Not sure if I wanna go with the cute and retro half-aprons or the much more efficient full aprons. Whatever. I'm such a fucking feminist. Bitching about aprons.

And I was up early this morning! Somewhere around 9 I put my cell phone underneath a pillow next to me and somewhere around 10, my phone rang and I sleepily answered it. A cheery woman on the other line said something about how I was once interested in attending the Art Institute of Seattle and blah blah blah. Anyway, she laughed at my jokes and she set up this thing so I could a virtual tour of their college next week. A few months ago they were all bugging me about going to their college but I kinda want to, man, it's Seattle! but like, also, long ways away! and I dunno about how much it'll cost..but the lady said we'd talk about that. Imma sucker for anyone who laughs at my jokes.

IT'S EIGHT O CLOCK ON A SATURDAAAY

Here are my plans for a lonely Saturday night at my father's house (dad: at the bar w/ sandy, blake: at a campout w/ scouts)

1. Somehow convince Dad to buy alcohol. Well, every time we go to store after he picks me up every other Friday, he buys his wine or whatever and I half jokingly/ half seriously say, Hey you should buy me some alcohol! and for some reason this time it worked and he bought me wine coolers. So this part- CHECK, DAMNIT.

2. Load the movie The Rolling Stone's Rock 'n Roll Circus. WORKIN' ON IT.

3. COOOOOOKIESSS. FUCK YES.

4. Tim's Jalapeno Potato Chips? OH YEAHHHH.

5. Watch said awesome movie. Drink, eat. Be merry. Try to feel less alone. :D

line between pain and pleasure

Look here, I'm not masochistic or anything. but pain is fascinating.

I ran into the curling iron today. Like, my mom had it propped up against the makeup basket- no idea why, or why she left it on, because I never use it- but I was reaching for, looking for, my black eyeliner, and my arm banged up against the curling iron and WHAM I was awake. Previously I had been sleepy and dazed and, well, I slept in again on accident, but then I burned and 'FUCK!' and so I was awake.

It's interesting is all.

And I've been baking- cookies, for student teacher's leaving party thing in class- and so argh my back is in a lot of pain. But it's a sort of numb, icey pain, it's weird.

Hm.

I think the second pan I used wasn't clean or something- it's smelling like salt, not good. What was that last used for...hnn...not the calzone...I DUNNO. Ergh. Ah well. If they taste funky I'll just stop using that pan.

ringo or paul;

I've gotta finish crocheting this Beatle first before I do Edward and Alphonse and then that top.

It'll either be Paul, 'cos it's just cute, or if I add a nose and make his hair look longer, it'll be Ringo.

Hmm.

Might try to do the Ringo one.

Just, y'know. 'cos. I love Ringo.

It's amigurumi so it's gonna be pretty fuckin' adorable.

self,

Dear Self,

I know, I know.

You are terrible at staying with one project at a time.

See, you just got yarn to make that thing for your brother (Edward and Alphonse Elric) for which he's paying you for, too, by the way.

But all you really wanna do is make that new Emmaline pattern in the new Knitty, right?

I know, I know.

You're even looking up the yarn to make it with.

And you're right- Comfy bulky KnitPicks yarn is probably perfect, seeing as it's cotton and acrylic and it's a summer shirt and it's a pretty good price for yarn.

BUT SELF, PLEASE.

THINK ABOUT THIS.

If you make those two amis for your brother- you will then have the money to buy the yarn! Good God, girl. Please. Do the damn cute things and then make the friggin' shirt.

And yes, be excited, it's your first garment. :D

So, please. Be patient. Make Edward and Alphonse, get money, buy yarn. Make the shirt.

--Love,

SELF.

girl we couldn't get much highah

So I watched this movie on the Doors today- The Doors. Clever name.

Also, awesome movie!

Sorta trippy but I've seen Tommy so, like, not much can faze ya after that. (Well, Frank Zappa, from what I've heard.) Anywaaay. So, yeah. Jim Morrison. Crazy awesomeness. Just crazy. his voice is amazing, though. Like, it doesn't really fit his body- if that makes sense. My mom says to me one day, after I gave her a Beatles mix CD- "See, hearing Paul's voice- he doesn't look anything like I'd picture someone with this voice." Which didn't and still doesn't make a lot of sense. But like Morrison. I forgot what I was saying.

zappa and formspring

So I'm listening to Frank Zappa who is kind of like pure awesomness.

And also, abusing Formspring. Oh god. People I barely know on FB post theirs so I just..like barrage them with weird questions. And apparently fs has a question and time limit. Like I can't submit more then 20 questions in like 5 minutes or something. Alas! The funny part is one of the questions I asked was 'Aren't you glad Formspring is anonymous? I'm pretty excited about it' and this dude replied, 'Sometimes (other girl I AM NOT), sometimes.' So hahah he thinks one of his friends is asking him all this weird stuff but IN FACT IT'S SOME CRAZY GIRL. MWAHAHAH.

Yeah, I am way too easily amused.

I've done this on a few other peoples' too, that one girl who the guy thought it was, but she took everything so seriously, and one of my brother's old friends who had really short answers but he was fun, too. Yeah nobody should give me access to Formspring when I am bored.

Going to bed after this album is done. Freak Out! by the Mothers of Invention- aka Frank Zappa and the Mothers. :D I love it. I love his, like, drawl. It's superawesome. I love the weirdness.

Of course the one thing I ALWAYS ask on Formspring is- Beatles or Stones? and if Beatles, favorite Beatle? if stones, you can go to hell- and so people will say - 'George because no one likes him'- WHICH ADAMANTLY PROTEST, BEING A GEORGE-LOVER- or 'Ringo. octopus' garden ftw' hahaha YES.

Dammit I love Zappa. Specfuckingtacular stuff, maan.

I may or may not have been drinking wine most of the night. and playing Sims 3.

DESICIONS

I CAN'T SPELL DESICIONS

but dunno what to dooo

Watch a adequate episode of Quantum Leap or take a bath?

GUH.

I think I'll go with QL.

Goddamn I love me some Scott Bakula.

paaain

God so much pain.

Leg pains and so much goddamn pain in my upper back/shoulders. Like ungodly. More than usual, and usually I'm in all sorts of back pain. And more weird nerve -shock pains. Do not want. And this spot on my back that goes numb sometimes-when I stand up or sit down or move my arm too much. What. DO NOT WANT. Dislike.

So tonight I took a bath and read The Golden Compass in the bath and tried to get more shoulders to hurt less and my hair is still all wet because I pulled it back so it wouldn't get wet but, yeah. Baths.

Still though, pain. D; Hot bath did not work.

Me and Blake started discussing...oh, Kevin Smith movies. Oh, because I was talking about Cop Out. and how it wasn't as funny as other KS movies- and so we started like, CLERKS IS AWESOME and CLERKS II IS TOO and then like we somehow started talking about the Saw movies and I said they're "torture porn! people out there getting their rocks off on people cutting their body parts off..." which Blake objected to strongly. Lol.

Agh now I wanna watch Dogma. Hnn.

Back going numb. Ergh. Weird feeling.

random thoughts

I like food. I like the taste of food and how it makes me happy and I like cooking and baking food. But I just dislike, like, the physical act of eating. Weird.

Hmm.
Went with Dad to see Alice In Wonderland but it was sold out so we saw Cop Out instead. I loved it. "I knit sweaters." "no really" "YEAH REALLY. I knit the FUCK out some big nice sweaters!" Of course I just love like anything Kevin Smith's done, so, yeah. And Bruce Willis + Tracy Morgan= win.

so now I am going to...watch Quantum Leap I think
and maybe eat some turkey with cheese and mustard
because I am all alone and bored.
This is weird, I think, judging by other people: if I am all alone in the house, I'm pretty goddamn fine. Apparently people freak out when they are all alone. Like Heather says she locks the doors and checks all the rooms and keeps the lights on. And I, er, don't? I dunno..

There's a spot on my back that goes inexplicably numb sometimes. That's weird.

bad mood

I feel like shit.

For various reasons.

One of them being apparently I can't bake.

And I want to be a baker.

Usually I forget something, misread it, add something, don't mix it enough, mix it too much. Fucking hell why am I shit at everything?

All I wanna do is crochet this little amigurumi Beatle I'm making but noo I had to make lemon bars for mom so she can bring them to her bf's house this weekend. And then of course because it's 10:45 at night I accidentally add two cups of confecteners sugar (also, FUCK YOU GOOGLE CHOME: don't tell me it's spelled wrong if you can't spell it, either) instead of one in the crust and almost started crying when I had to beat eggs and my back was hurting so much. Goddamnit. This week just plains suck and I'm so fucking glad it's over but the worst part is it's gonna start again next week. And the week after that. Fuck.

So besides being depressed I'm not doing much. Crocheting a Beatle. He's coooot so far. Not sure if it's Paul or Ringo? Cute enough to be Paul. If I added a nose it'd be Ringo. I might try a nose. And give him shaggier hair-- I mean like w/ sideburns. Goddamn my bad hurts. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Like, crazy bad. I wonder if I just, like, went for the first few hours? I feel like complete shit. Just all around in general, shit shit shit. I'm terrible at everything and haveastupidcrushonaboy and I just want to cry 'cos I can't bake anything right.

alright

At this Knowledge Bowl meet yesterday, it was at churchy center thing, and the rounds were taking placing in some kid's learning room or something, there was all this churchy junk on the walls, and one of them was a poster of the things of the Bible, so it said 'JUDE' then 'REVELATION' and I was like, FFF I thought it said Jude then Revolution then it actually didn't BUT it was like a few letters of off. And also because Hey Jude and Revolution came out as a single together, so it freaked me out a bit.

don't follow leaders

I'm not sure if there'll ever be a time when I do not almost break down crying when I read about John Lennon's death. It's just one of those things I just cannot wrap my head around. Honestly, I...just don't understand why he was killed.

Gah. I've had Subterranean Homesick Blues stuck in my head for the last few days. Don't follow leaders, watch your parkin' meters. You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows. Stupid catchy Bob Dylan. I love his music.

woah

Like I haven't updated in foreverrr
'cos like I've been on deviantart and so like kind of neglecting this blog over here
and my computer crashed a few weeks ago, that was pretty annoying.
BUT LIKE YEAH.
OH GOSH. Ringo Starr. is going on tour. And is coming to a place called Woodinville, Washington. WHICH IS LIKE 6 HOURS AWAY FROM ME. I HAVE TO GO. I need to see a Beatle before they all die! And Paul's in Europe! And Ringo's turning like 70. THIS COULD BE HIS LAST TOUR EVER and that would be tragic. Anyway. So I am trying to convince my mom or dad to buy me tickets but I should get a job and earn my own money and all that, haha, but I did hint around that tickets would make GREAT graduation presents. Since the concert is in July. So I hope that works out.

Agh I'm bored. At dad's. Nothing to do except lay around or kill time on the computer and download bootlegs onto dad's computer because free music=<33 Maybe the Stones or some Tom Petty. Or Traveling Wilburys. Who I listened to last night. They're pretty goddamn awesome.